Callie girl turned 18 almost a month ago. That means we now have 3 adults with intellectual disabilities living under our roof. Three adults who will need a place to live and people to care for them for the rest of their lives. Chad, our oldest, is 44 and has lived with us since he was adopted at the age of 8 at then end of 1982. He’s lived with us for 36 years, longer than any of our other children. He is not A child, but he is OUR child.
As we began to think about moving our kids in to adult living situations we contemplated many scenarios. When Chad moved in he was very, very busy, not yet toilet trained and he would run away from us on the regular. We thought – if we can just make it till he’s 16 we could look for a group home. Then he aged and mellowed and we got a little better at this parenting gig and 36 years later, here we are.
A week ago we heard of a group home opening that sounded like a possible fit for Chad and we scheduled a tour. As we got ready to go our emotions started getting away from us. 36 years ago we were counting the time till he could go and now we felt like we were in a tug of war – he should go but we don’t want him to, we’re not ready for him to. It wasn’t the order in which we saw these three moving out. Chad is by far the easiest to live with now. He goes to an amazing day program and we just thought he’d be the last to move out. It also wasn’t a good fit. It just didn’t feel right. Thankfully we have a social worker who assured us we didn’t need to jump at the first opening that came up. She assured us when we find the right place we will know. Hopefully she is right and we’ll be ready.
Every morning he and our dog Ruby connect and as I watch them it reminds me how much I’ll miss him.
Every day since 1983 we have picked out his clothes, helped him dress, made his food, showered him and brushed his teeth, tucked him in to bed, done his laundry, cleaned up his messes, gone to IEP’s, taken him to countless dental, doctor and therapy appointments, met with social workers and made plans, gone to movies, shopping, special olympics practices and meets, redirected his unacceptable behaviors, taught him as many tasks as he could master and have attempted and continue to attempt to teach him many he never will.
We knew some day we would have to “retire” from these daily tasks, but the reality of that being sooner rather than later is hitting us. The reality of having to trust someone besides the two of us to care for him, for them, as we have all these years is hitting us. It’s the hardest thing the we, as parents of kid’s who are vulnerable and dependent on others, are going to have to do and that is coming from someone who has survived the death of our Shannon, who was severely disabled. It may sound weird, but we got to finish caring for her. We were able to care for her to the end. We will not be able to do that with the three that still live with us. We are going to have to trust others to do that and we are still trying to wrap our minds around that.