Just Wanna Blend

I was looking for a fabric the other day with lambs on it for a project for my daughter and this was the only one I could find.

Dictionary.com defines Black sheep as:

  1. sheep with black fleece.
  2. person who causes shame or embarrassment because of deviation from the  accepted standards of his or her group.

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In case I haven’t been clear. I’m white and this daughter is African American with dark skin and she has not caused shame or embarrassment in any way shape or form. Ever.

She has a hysterical sense of humor and I held the fabric and thought about the jokes we could make and almost, almost went to the cutting table. I looked at the line and saw two African American women there and put it back. Not out of fear of what they might say or think, but because looking at them reminded me of the message I did not want to give my girl.

Micro-aggressions hit my kids in many various ways. They are in a racial minority, being adopted whether trans-racially or not is a minority and being part of the LGBTQ community is a minority. I catch myself as often as I can but still slip up and say something about how Cousin Jeff is just like Uncle Joe or your friend Sue looks just like her mom. You get the picture. When you are adopted, trans-racially or not there are constant reminders that you are different. It is on me to minimize my contribution to that and I admit that I am still learning, apologizing and correcting myself on the regular.

Yesterday my girl said she came out of school with a new friend whose mom was waiting for her and she said – oh, are you adopted too? Mutual adoption high-fives occurred. Of course I didn’t even have to ask her about their race because obviously their races didn’t match, otherwise there wouldn’t have been immediate recognition. Always happy when those serendipitous acknowledgements of – I’m not alone – occur for my kids.

Over the summer I was out and about with Callie and she draws a lot of attention wherever we go. She wears neon pink sound protectors due to severe sensitivity to sound and walks very quickly, not always aware of obstacles, including people, in her way. She can be loud or ask awkward questions or get into people’s space. She makes an entrance everywhere we go.

I remember thinking on one outing this summer that I would just like to walk around like most everyone else and blend, just blend. Sometimes you just don’t want to stand out like the black sheep on this fabric. Sure sometimes people like to stand out from the crowd – fly your freak flag – be unique – we encourage that in this family, not that we have a choice really, so embracing is generally the best strategy, but sometimes though, you just want to be part of the landscape and just melt into the crowd and rather than being observed by other people be the observer for a change. Let your eyes scan the crowd rather than feeling them all on you.

Medically Fragile Kids are Students First in School

Yesterday was Shannie’s IEP.  Mark went as we had some concerns and I knew he would make the case in a non-emotional, calm, cool and collected way. He is just so much better at getting the same result with less emotion involved in the process then I am.  I’m always so grateful to have a partner in these situations.

Shannie is in a classroom geared for kids who are classified as medically fragile.  She definitely qualifies, but only in the technical sense as far as I’m concerned.  She hasn’t been in the hospital for illness, always pneumonia, in over 10 years.  All other times were scheduled orthopedic surgeries.  Compared to many kids in this classification she’s on the milder end – no trach or ventilator – for which we are super grateful for sure.

Our main concern was that Shannie be treated as a student at school, not a patient, and sometimes it seemed as if that line was blurring.  Often her notebook came home with oxygen stats or temperatures on days when she was not the least bit sick.  In fact she’s maybe missed 3 days of school this year due to illness, general illness,  not life-threatening illness.

I tend to prepare myself for a possible fight in these situations, but more often than not, when we lay out the issues and clarify our expectations all is well.  In this case, Mark shared with her staff the anxiety Shannie feels surrounding medical situations and whether her anxiety was playing in to what they perceived as illness at school.  Everyone seemed surprised that she responded with anxiety – to the point that versed, an anti-anxiety med which also produces amnesia, – is given to her as soon as she enters the hospital for the injections she receives four times a year under anesthesia.  She has been known to raise her temp. several degrees when she is anxious.  This is why I was so concerned that the hyper-vigilance over her medical issues be dialed back.  She has enough real issues that have to be dealt with, let’s not pay attention to anything that’s not a real issue.

Shannie often freaks out people who are not familiar with her frequent coughing, rattling in her upper chest and occasional gagging.  We, who are familiar with her, know for Shannie, this is normal.  It is always upper, as in back of her throat, respiratory stuff.  It is very rarely actually in her lungs.  Her “normal” takes some getting used to and absolutely requires some relaxation on the part of her caregivers.  You can not get worked up over every funny sounding breathe or muscle cramp/jerk, seizure etc. or you’ll make yourself sick with worry.

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Yesterday was a great example of the purpose of an IEP, in my opinion.  It helps clear the air and get everyone on the same page.  Ultimately, with Shannon, we are the ones who will pay the price long term for whatever decisions are made regarding her health.  Our goal has always been for her to be comfortable and experience as much in the school setting as possible.  When she is a student first and a student with some medical issues second that goal is a lot more likely to be achieved.