I love all my children and am so proud to be their mother and can’t imagine my life without them. I have, however, decided that I am second best and I’m good with that.
In a perfect world, and this world ain’t that, my adopted children would have been born to healthy families who had planned for them, excitedly awaiting their arrival, loved and adored them, were old enough, had enough money and resources and had extended family and a support system that were anxious to help in any way they could. In a perfect world.
In this perfect world there would be no attachment issues or great loss to be suffered. All children would share the same biology and family history with their parents.
I know this will be offensive to some adoptive parents. As adoptive parents we’re used to hearing how “lucky” our kids are to have us. What a ridiculous notion. If our kids were “lucky” they wouldn’t have been born into situations or with health conditions that didn’t require a different set of skills then their first parents could provide. Some of those parents simple knew they couldn’t provide, but in some of our kid’s situations their very lives were in danger because of their first parents. This is not the norm for birth parents, but it is sometimes true.
I also know many people have grown up in bio families that suffer great pain inflicted physically and emotionally by their parents and there may be kids or adults who wish they’d been adopted. They likely fantasize about perfect adoptive parents just like adopted kids fantasize about their perfect first parents. Sometimes life is just all messed up.
I had a psychologist once tell me that when my son screamed at me, “You’re not the mom I wanted” I should say something like, “You’re not the boy I expected either”. Personally, I could never say that – possibly truthful, but it seemed pretty hurtful too. The reality is, in his own way he’s right. The mom he wanted at that moment is a mom that, sadly, doesn’t exist.
I know if this world wasn’t so broken this choice wouldn’t have been necessary in the first place.
So, yes in the grand scheme of things I may be second best, but I’m also the best mom they have. I’m not the best mom period, but the best one they have.